I sit here typing, not knowing exactly what to say.
I just walked out of my son’s room after several hours of a mega meltdown and I’m thinking to myself “what in the world just happened?” And trust me, I’ve seen it all with Big Brother. Autism, cognitive delay, attachment issues, adopted as an older child, history of neglect, abuse, institutionalization and other traumas….oh yeah, I’ve seen it all.
It started at dinner. My son, who is 5 years old and has Autism and cognitive delay, became overstimulated at the restaurant we were eating in. He began verbal stimming and having a hard time contolling himself physically (this is typical, usually we can manage it.) All was fine once we were home. But then my overtired, typically-developing 4 year old son threw a massive temper tantrum over something trivial. He had been struggling behaviorally all day, I’m not sure what the cause was. But his tantrum was long and drawn out, but eventually he settled down and went to bed.
But that temper tantrum triggered a rage in my special needs son…..a rage and a meltdown that I can’t even begin to describe to you in words. I think he was scared and confused about why his brother was so upset. But this meltdown, it just went on and on and grew into something ugly. It’s not the first, nor will it be the last. We’ve seen it all around here.
But oh, how he raged tonight. Once we were able to bring him down from this mega meltdown (hours later), my sobbing son looked up at me as I rocked him and he moaned “mommy love you,” as much in an inquisitive tone as a pleading one. He was repeating what I always tell him–that “mommy loves you.” But he was searching, pleading for the answer to still be the same.
Oh dear sweet child who does not feel worthy of love, who feels that we will only love you during the good times….how can I make you understand? How can you possibly understand true, unconditional love when this world has only shown you hurt and disappointment? When will people understand that there is only so much trauma you can inflict upon a child before his very spirit is shattered beyond repair? Those of us left to pick up the pieces must witness our children take on the heavy burdens of their pasts. Sometimes, it just seems too much to bear for such tiny beings.
Will you ever understand?
Mommy loves you, forever….the end.